Monday, July 11, 2011

Losing Something Unexplainable.

Three days ago, I sat at home all day and didn't do a thing. I honestly have no idea how I managed to waste an entire day. I didn't write, didn't read, didn't even watch a movie. I didn't clean or cook. I just simply sat and did nothing. Then, two days ago, I cleaned the kitchen. I did the normal things - dishes, counters, floors, and then I did some of the things that I don't do often enough - I reorganized the cabinets, I washed the oven, the microwave. I also picked up the living room.Yesterday, I spent most of the day out of the house, but before I left in the morning I cleaned and washed my dresser, and alphabetized out DVD collection. Today, I finished picking up the living room, and sorted through a pile of CDs and DVDs I had. None of them were in cases. Some were actual CDs/DVDs and some were ones I had burned. Some were photos, some were music, some were computer software, and a few were simply blank. I sorted through them, found the cases for the ones that had them, labeled the ones that weren't labeled. Sorted out the blank ones and put them away. I found a new place to store the music CDs, away from the DVDs, Photos, and Computer stuff. I reorganized my desk. I started reorganizing my file cabinet. Notice something missing on that list of things I've done?

This blog post is the first time in four days that I've sat down to write anything. Really, nothing. I haven't written anything for any story. I haven't written a blog post, I haven't even made a post on any of the forums I frequent, or, even more notably, I haven't updated my status on facebook. I haven't chatted online with any of my friends. No phone calls, no text messages. I've barely even talked to my fiance, four feet away from me.

For the past 4 days, I've been wordless. Few words have been in my head. I've been feeling a lot, but for once in my life, I haven't had words for it. And I don't like this feeling. This blog post is me forcing myself to write. Because even though it's hard for me. I'm having to really think hard about what words go together in what order (grammar has all but flown out the window, right along with vocabulary) But it's the only thing I can think of to beat this. I have NEVER felt this way before. Never been totally without words. There are times when I don't want to write one story, or maybe even, I don't feel like fiction. Maybe I don't want to chat, or I don't want to talk. Lately, I haven't even wanted to read. I haven't been able to feel the words. All the things I've been doing have been mostly silent activity. It's not a good feeling. I don't like it. I need to fix it. And I hope this helps. I hope that putting words together helps, even though its hard, and I don't feel the words like I normally do. They don't flow. It's ugly, me putting these words here. It's not the right feeling.

Is it my motivation? I want to write. I just... the words feel foreign. Not natural. They don't feel like words feel. And that sounds ridiculous, but it's how I feel and it's seriously a problem for me.


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